Don't know where to start with this, I'm hoping that if I just start typing then everything that I want to get off my mind will just jump out.
So the headaches and the fatigue and the slowness, inability to do things or my mind to function properly is getting worse. It is such a struggle for my mind to even piece these words together, it has taken me ten times the amount of time it should of done to type what I have so far typed, why is this happening to me? I feel so pathetic asking that question but I'm getting to the point now were I just feel so out of control, so lost, so weak and I have no were to turn, no one to ask for help. My brain is just shutting down as it has been starved of use, I no longer need a brain and it has decided to just stop working properley. I wish I could hibernate until I have my lumbar puncture and also get my scan results. I think that is what my brain has decided to do, just not work until after these things. I have alot of things that are going to put in place to help me however there not here right now in the present, there in the future and im struggling to fill the time up until these things.
I have had 3 of the worst nights sleep on the trot and there isn't nothing I can do about that. At doctors they just say that sleeping pills are addictive so wont give me them. I'm back to feeling like I am just an inaminate object, I just exist, I am basicly just a chair. I don't do anything that would represent any form of living, any form of human life. Im fed up of acting, I never just be how I actually feel. I act for other people and I also do it for myself to try and ignite some life back into me but it never works. I can't just be how I really feel as people will just tell me to stop complaining and that theres nothing wrong with me or to 'just get on with it'. Well what exactly is 'it'? what exactly am I supposed to be getting on with?
I don't know what I actually want to happen, what do I want to change. Well I suppose I want my physical health to improve and then hope that everyhting else follows. I want to have some energy back, I want to feel enthusiastic, motivated to do things, to have something to focus on and also to have some things that I actually WANT. I, at the minute, don't want to do anything, I have nothing that I see as something that I want to do. It's not like there isn't things that I CAN do. I mean I could do my counselling course, I could edit my book, I could play on a game or watch TV but I don't actually feel like doing any of these things. All I WANT is to have my lumbar puncture, to get my scan results, to have my pain clinic appointment, to have the meeting with the ESA adviser and see if there are any courses or any jobs out there that I can do with my condition (although I already know that is a big fat NO).
I want to feel alive again, I want to do things that excite me, take part in things, do things for a reason and feel normal and be normal, not act normal when deep down its not true.
Being tired/fatigued is the final nail in the coffin to chronic pain, its the final thing that has destroyed my spirit, it makes standing up and fighting chronic pain pretty much impossible. I guess what I want most right now is to have some energy to try rebuild my spirit and to recharge the part of me that was starting to fight this and the part of me that was beginning to accept this new life and cope with chronic pain. Solar panels cannot work to power anything without sunlight and I am just the same, we all are, we cannot work without energy, there is darkness all around me and I need some sunlight to recharge and start fighting again, to make me actually function at all so I am not just an inaminate object merely existing.
Grrr, moan moan moan, blah blah blah, pathetic and weak depressed man speaking a load or boring pathetic babble.
